1911Forum banner

Wife/Spouse Not Bought In?

11K views 78 replies 43 participants last post by  RogerNH 
#1 ·
I have seen a few threads recently where the gun owner mentions how he has obtained his CCW permit without his wife being in full support or even his wife not being aware of his actions and choice to carry a weapon. I cannot fathom how this would work out very well for anybody involved and be able to maintain a healthy relationship. Additionally, it seems like this would create a potentially unsafe environment by the spouse not knowing a loaded weapon is being carried and stored in the home.

If you have gone down this path without your wife/spouse's support or knowledge I would be curious about the following:

1 - why did you feel this issue could not be overcome?

2 - what led you take action on your own without support?

3 - how were you able to conceal this physically from them knowing?

4 - when and how did they find out?

5 - how did it go down from there?

Personal relationships are interesting, but I would be most concerned about logistics and safety issues involved in a scenario such as this.

Thanks
 
See less See more
#2 ·
My wife was a bit apprehensive about my Open Carry for awhile but after experiencing how little attention it brought and heard all the positive comments about it from passer buy's, LEO's, she now has grown to accept what I do with no mention of it at all. It just takes time to accept the inevitable. :)
Dave
 
#3 ·
My wife had concerns as well, especially with kids in the house. But after talking through it and establishing some agreed upon safety and storage plans she was accepting. She has become more supportive over time with positive exposure as well as being exposed to "real world scenarios" that were a bit unsettling. However, not having been on the same page from the start would have been a disaster for the relationship and I would have been concerned about safety issues had she not known and found my gun/s in the house or on my person if I was incapacitated in some manner.
 
#6 · (Edited)
I started off in a similar way. I told my girlfriend months before I attended the NRA course for a CCW. She was with me when I purchased my first hand gun but it wasn't until I actually started carrying did she ask "so you are really going to carry that?". She too had two younger teenage kids but I immediatly purchased a safe to keep in her house when I was there. She now is fine with it and I think feels safer in general when we go out together especially with her kids. Now her kids want to shoot and she is thinking about getting her CCW so she can shoot with her kids and me.

Yeah...she would not of liked me hiding it from her.

Be upfront...
 
#4 · (Edited)
My situation

Since I got out of the service in 2002 then called back in 05 and return in 06. (My fiance in 05 became wife in 06) Anyhow she knew I always had a handgun and a rifle in the truck and another handgun by the bed. In 07 I really opened my eyes and saw how our society has changed in the unfreindly direction I began to carry on my person. She knew all about it but didn't understand why if fact we had a few heated discussions about it. You know I ussually lost those "discussions". Side note early in our relationship I gave her pepperspray as a gift that she carried on her keychain. She didn't believe it was needed at all. I used all the cliche answers and facts but it didn't help much. Last year while we were on vacation for 1 week with our kids and babysitter came also.
My wife ran to a K-Mart to get a swim vest for one of our 3 kids while the kids napped I stayed in camper with them, babysitter sunned outside. My wife came back 2hrs later and began to tell the babysitter a truely horrifying story about this truckdriver on his mandatory 10 hr break, who picked out my wife as a potential victim, she was assaulted though not badly, and ended up running for any K-mart employee. I heard most of the story and quickly left to find him, which I did. I didn't hurt him to badly but he will remember me for the rest of his sorry days.
I'm telling my side of the story not my wifes. Two weeks later my wife told me she didn't feel able to use the pepper spray and asked me to line up a CCW class for her. She now has 3 of her own guns, that she picked out, not I picked out for her. I was happy to pay for them though. What's more she carries everywhere now all the time, except inside the house. But we have several hidden upstairs and down and not accesible by the kids.
Around christmas time my wife told me to tell as many men and women as possible her story because it's a learning tool for other women.
If you're having problems with a wife that's more afraid of guns than the potential alternative, then I know my wife would be happy to talk to her. Feel free to IM me for contact info.
Wife and I are both 32 and She is a very good looking woman, we have 3 kids now. My wife's also into prepping now.
 
#9 ·
exactamundo. My wife is onboard, but if she wasn't, and I absolutely thought I needed to carry, I would carry in defiance of her wishes long before I would carry without her knowledge.
 
#7 ·
Agree or not agree, I would not subject my option of carrying to my wife's preference or judgment.

I remember my mother using her pistol to keep a man from breaking into the house through the window beside my bed. I was 6 and we lived in the bad side of town. The impression about the need for a pistol as a means of self defense was formed at a young age.

My wife grew up in a more secure environment, and as a result of that she is to this day somewhat careless when it comes to safety. She scared the tar out of me a couple of times with some very unsafe and unwise decisions while she was out with our children when we lived in the Memphis area. I chewed her out good, but she took it because she saw how concerned I was. She understood, somewhat, but she hasn't really changed or become as careful as I would like for her to be.

My son is 16 about to be 17. My oldest daughter is 15. They shoot on a junior high power team and they know their way around all of my pistols and rifles. This was intentional on my part and over my wife's objections. But I will not always be there to keep them safe when they are grown, so I am making them proficient and capable of ruining some bad guy's day.

My wife can be carefree, and to an extent, I kind of like it that she does not worry about being harmed by a criminal because I am there. When I am gone, I am confident that my kids will be able to take care of themselves and their mother.

Subject my decision to carry to her veto? Not a chance. I am the husband, the father, the man of the house, and the absolute final barrier between my family and anyone who would try to harm them. I accept that responsibility and will not lay it down until I breath my last.

Sorry guys, but I find it very surprising that anyone would give up their ability to defend themselves simply because their wife told them to.
 
#8 ·
[Sorry guys, but I find it very surprising that anyone would give up their ability to defend themselves simply because their wife told them to. ]

Who said that? Such things should be discussed and brought to finality only after such discussions.
To cram things down the wife's throat because you will do what you want without discussing it with her is very foolish and will not result in a lifelong marriage.

I know that a major responsibility of mine, as a husband, is to provide for and protect my family. I intend to do both, but I do not make important decisions without discussions with my wife. There has never been an instance in our marriage when we did not agree as to the course of action. That includes every aspect of our lives including career, finances, and family. It includes guns too.

We two became one when we married, and nothing about that has changed. As head of my family I want to love her sacrificially and as totally as a human can do. She loves me as much.
While she has no interest in guns she very much realizes the conditions in our society, and is glad I do what I can for our well-being.
But, if it ever came to it, I would not trade my wife for a gun or CCW. The liklihood of ever being attacked is very small if you use your head more than your macho.

Jerry
 
#10 ·
The thing I've noticed about getting women interested in shooting and self defense, is that they think they need a scary event to happen to them so they have a "reason" to own a gun. They think, "I live in a 'safe' part of town. I don't need a gun." But if you're driving in a sketchy area and some thugs appear, she will be the first one to ask "So you have your gun, right?"

I can tell you this - when I get married, my wife is learning how to operate my weapons. I was raised by a very independent woman and believe that's the kind of girl I wish to marry. I want the girl to be able to take of herself if I'm not around. I think it's ridiculous for a girl to feel "powerless" to a predator. I put powerless in quotes because it's a fantasy - if you're prepared for the worst, you won't be powerless and will have an advantage. If I'm around, of course I will be there to provide protection as well. I just don't want her to depend on me to provide her safety.

I have a friend/roommate in a similar situation who will be moving in with his girlfriend at the end of summer. He grew up hunting but doesn't do a whole lot of shooting, and since he lives with me, he doesn't have his own gun in our house. But I mentioned to him that when he moves in with her, he should get some shells for his 20 gauge and have it ready just in case. He said "Nah man, we'll be fine. It's in a safer area anyway." This again reiterates that same mentality I mentioned earlier. I really want him to have it there to be safe because he's been my best friend since I was about 5. The house is close to downtown Baton Rouge and I know that particular area can become not so "safe" in a matter of milliseconds. I want him to really consider having it there, but I doubt he will unless something actually happened. And I don't want to push it too hard because that will turn him off to the idea.

I think one of the other main reasons is that his girlfriend grew up in the city and not around guns. She has always been nervous around them and all that. I've told him to try to get her to come shoot with both of us one day, and I will teach her all I know about gun safety. Even with my offer she remains opposed to it, although thanking me for offering.

You guys have any suggestions of how to suggest to my buddy to have his shotgun in his house? I really want him to be safe but I know he's stubborn and won't do it until something actually happens.
 
#11 ·
Many of us have a CCW but don't carry. Not everyone carries.

Having said that, you really need permission to take a class and become more proficient? I equate this to taking a defensive driving course. No 'permission' required from anyone else. Period.

Actually carrying is a different matter. If you are going to carry, let the significant other know that on occasion you will be armed. If you do it right, nobody will/should know... the BG will shoot you first if you make a big deal of it. She/He may have to use it to get out of a bad situation if you go down, better not to keep too much a secret.
 
#13 ·
A-Ignorance is bliss. Never look for logic in the actions of others.

B-Some folks just won't do it. My mom is a kind and compassionate Roman Catholic woman who I just can not see trying to harm someone even in defense of herself. Maybe in defense of her kids but we're grown and armed now. My dad on the other hand always has his .380 LCP on him and a few other options at other times. Mom won't touch a gun but basically just accepts dad has them and will use them.

C-If someone is so vehemently against something you so passionately believe in then that may be a bad sign.

FYI, FWIW, YMMV, etc.
 
#14 ·
"To cram things down the wife's throat because you will do what you want without discussing it with her is very foolish and will not result in a lifelong marriage."

Not once did I say I did not discuss it with her. I did. She gave her opinions which I felt were invalid due to them being unrealistic and based on the world as she saw it. I then did what I knew was correct.

"But, if it ever came to it, I would not trade my wife for a gun or CCW."

If a man's wife would leave him over the fact he chose to have and carry the means to defend himself, it sounds as if she wants control more than a husband. Your wife obviously did not do that, nor did mine.

The original questions as posed by the OP were:

"If you have gone down this path without your wife/spouse's support or knowledge I would be curious about the following:

1 - why did you feel this issue could not be overcome?

2 - what led you take action on your own without support?"

This is what I was answering. I explained my answer to questions 1 and 2.

In rereading some of the posts here, my impression was that some would have allowed their S/O decision to rule over their ability to carry if that S/O had decided "no", even if the decision was based on nothing more than emotion. My wife told me she did not want me to. I explained my reasons for carrying but she still did not want me to carry. I made the decision to carry over her objections. Now when we are out she and my children are safer than they would have been if I did not carry.

This gives her the chance to ask me is that a gun in my pocket or if I am happy to see her. It's her favorite line.
 
#17 ·
This gives her the chance to ask me is that a gun in my pocket or if I am happy to see her. It's her favorite line.
:biglaugh:

My wife knew I had carried a concealed gun on occassion even before we got married. It was just one of those things she accepted early on. These days, it's primarily the cost of this past time that I have tread lightly with her. She'd flip if I just went out and bought yet another 1911 or a whole new reloading setup without her knowing about it first. She thinks I have enough "toys" already. She's probably right :)
You can never have too many toys. Ask her if she has enough shoes. Women always have hundreds that they never wear...
 
#15 ·
My wife is an MD, pediatrics and family practice, and a STAUNCH supporter of concealed carry. We both carry, but not in the hospital system we work in, though we do have written permission to lock our weapons in welded in biometric safes in our vehicles.

I would NEVER consider so big a decision as obtaining a CC license and purchase of a handgun without letting the wife know. In our household, there are NO secrets, and we do NOT go to bed at night until any and all daily gripes are cleared. In this day and age of increased divorce rate, marriages have to be an honest institution.

Distrust is the breeding ground of divorces.
 
#16 ·
My wife knew I had carried a concealed gun on occassion even before we got married. It was just one of those things she accepted early on. These days, it's primarily the cost of this past time that I have tread lightly with her. She'd flip if I just went out and bought yet another 1911 or a whole new reloading setup without her knowing about it first. She thinks I have enough "toys" already. She's probably right :)
 
#19 ·
Discuss away, and respect her right to disagree if she choses too. Whether I wear a gun or not is up for discussion, we can talk all day long, but the final decision has already been made. My pants. My gun. My choice. It would be like you telling your wife to carry gun and expecting her to carry one until you had discussed the situation to final conclusion upon which you both agreed to compromise. Obviously you would not expect her to suspend her opinion until a compromise had been reached, why would you yours.

If you carry a gun for a hobby maybe, and your marriage works on such a basis that you feel the need to discuss everything, and or have consent, then discussion seems reasonable.

Why you would need consent or approval to carry a weapon to defend your life is beyond me. Its something no one else has a say in. Its your life, if you leave it at the hands of some mugger you leave it alone, you don't get to ask wifey's permission first.
All this two becomes one stuff has immasculated the country, much less taken all of the fun out of relationshisps. The point isn't to become one. Its for two to enjoy beng two.
 
#23 ·
My family has always had guns. My dad had a few, My gramp had a few. They grew up on farms and did some hunting along the way. I have always had a gun for as long as I can remember. Guns have always been a part of who I am. When I got married (25 years ago this week :D) it was not even brought up.

Fast forward to today. My grown children never spent a night without a firearm to protect them, my wife has her own guns, she never needed some "epiphony" to know what guns are for and the horrible people live among us and that deer are yummy.

My wife has always expected me to have a gun (even thought she has her own) It would be odd if I didn't.

The only problem she has had over the years is on the amount of money I've spent on them, but thats the same with cars, motorcycles, boats, etc.

I believe in honesty and respect in a relationship but I don't accept that some women won't have a gun. To me thats like saying that they don't care about their own safety or that of their children or family. If you wont take up the means to defend yourself and your loved ones, your not much of a person.

For you guys with women that have no gun experience or are afraid of them. start them off with a pellet gun or a 22 and take them with you when you shoot. Do not exclude them from your manly hobbies. Take them hunting and shooting with you. You will have more fun, they just want to be with you and they'll see the positive side of firearms.
 
#24 ·
"To cram things down the wife's throat because you will do what you want without discussing it with her is very foolish and will not result in a lifelong marriage."

I dunno about you guys, but whenever given the opportunity to cram something down the wife's throat I take it (bazinga)

In all seriousness, I believe that accidents happen with guns when they're treated without the respect they deserve, or when treated with fear. I had my first gun when my wife and I started dating, so it wasn't an option to discuss it prior. When we married, it was important to me that she not fear the "machine" that was in *her* house. Truth be told, I'm still working that angle (there's a thread around here somewhere to that effect)

We recently got CCW in Wisconsin, and the subject came up because my idiot brother ran out to get his CCW, sub compact 9mm Tupperware, and matching wardrobe. He didn't consult the wife, and I think that was a mistake. (if for no other reason, he took nearly 1000.00 out of his family budget without any warning)

You *should* discuss it with your spouse prior to carrying, purchasing, etc. even if it's a "this is what I'm doing honey" (although if your wife is anything like my wife, I'd recommend a "what do you think" approach over an "I'll tell you what to think"
 
#25 ·
It seems most of you guys have it good, or better than me.
When I got married, the wife agreed to let me keep my guns in the house.
After we moved in, she changed her mind.
She does not understand anything about guns or CCW.
More importantly she is totally closed minded to the subject

Discussions of such things with her just lead to an emotional battle on her side, and logic on mine. I never win, logic can't beat emotion.

As far as she is concerned there are no guns in the house or on my person.
Lets just say, that may or may not be true.

It is also safe to assume that her change of plans has cost me money and aggravation, it is a huge sore spot in our marriage and will someday lead to its downfall.

My advice, only marry a card carrying member of the NRA, or never get married.

JAG
 
#27 ·
I dated several young ladies before I met my wife. If they showed disdain or repugnance to any of the reasonable, lawful, moral things that I was interested in (and they refused to change their mind with reasoning) they were simply not for me! (despite how gorgeous they might be on the outside)

To me, the choice of a wife is a choice for life!

I am fortunate, and I chose wisely. My wife of 37 years is from a family where firearms were common, if not commonly used. (Law Enforcement and Corrections)

But she had never shot a firearm before I took her to the range on a date. She had FUN! She also took to hunting! She is also still HOT!

Because her Father was a Corrections Officer she also knew that there are some VERY bad people creeping the earth among us.

I feel for those of you who may have chosen your wife "poorly";)

I invite you take her to Norf' Tulsa for a pleasant evening's drive. She may see your need to protect yourself, and her, in a new light. (if you make it out)

The only downside is the occasional "lightening of the wallet" to buy her a new firearm that caught her fancy. I'll take that any day.:D
 
#29 ·
My wife of 37 years is from a family where firearms were common
Neither my wife of 37 years nor I had any exposure to firearms prior to about 9 months ago. I mentioned to her csaually one day that I was concerned about our safety as a result of a home invasion/murder in the next town to us and asked if she had any objection to my buying and learning how to use a handgun. To my (huge) surprise, she said she had no objection, and in fact, she wanted to learn too. So a few months later we both have concealed carry permits and are pursuing a series of training couses at Sig Academy. She likes the courses and has made great progress in a short time. I doubt that shooting will become a primary interest for her as it has for me, but I am very pleased with her receptiveness to take on something very new and different (and for her a bit scary) and commit the time to learn.
 
#30 ·
I have a wife who is totally against guns... she hate the fact i carry for my business purposes, but she became more understanding. she did not know i applied for CCW permit until she saw the application fee check go through our bank account. she was upset because i have a six year old kid from my previous, and our newborn in the house.
i told her it was for my business. and that i told her it would not affect the house, and if it does i will get rid of it. year later, I dont make it a big deal out of me carrying so she doesnt either. I dont talk about it with her, dont do anything regarding my permit with her. you have to be safe and put it in a safe, when not carrying it. I had to do it the hard way, but now its a real anal routine i do, and i have my wife to thank for my increase safety. I was the the guy to put the gun in holster, on the coffee table becasue it was just me and my wife and our newborn, bc i would think it would be okay because it was just us, but now i put it away in my spot right away.

the thing is, for your wife sakes, show her that you have a valid reason for you to carry. You have to get involved. show her and try to educate her in why you need it. some women will see your point and other will not, not even for a minute, and then just drop the whole subject forever!!!

I am now in the process of explaining , why i am spending most of my free hours casting bullets, all while there is a newborn waiting to play with me in the house. try to explain controlloing lead poision and not spending away our kids college fund on casting to a wife who is against guns...its possible
 
#36 ·
We have more than enough problems with an unfriendly, anti-gun government to waste time arguing amongst ourselves about the relative health of one another's marriage. There is nothing easy about marriage for most of us and however we all make it work should be our business alone.

As for the OP's questions, I wish I had something to add, but my own circumstances were entirely different from what you are experiencing. Early in my own marriage, I got a job as a detective and my new wife quickly became accustomed to seeing a group of guys sitting around the kitchen table cleaning guns and talking about the relative merits of loads. She saw guns as just another part of the job.

The Big Girl has had a CPL for 20 years or so and has no issues with guns whatsoever. In fact, most of her family now carries a gun at least part of the time, per her example.
 
#37 ·
Wife was a difficult case.

I finally timed it right and had her in the concealed class. Instructor told them "Aim here"

Well, "Here" became 5 holes about a inch or less across.

She got her license and bitches once in a while but I keep it steady and even strain.

I take it one day at a time.

Why did she get it? Well suppose I leave a gun in one of our vehicles and she gets stopped without a permit? Felon.

Not happening. Her Marine core values will kick in and she will function properly with either shotgun or handgun if that time comes.

The way things are degrading around us in our area that day may be nearer than we would like it to be.
 
#38 ·
I made my decision, took my courses and kept my wife informed. She's not crazy about it but certainly understands it. She's street smart and knows when there's a potential threat around her. Living in New Jermany, however eliminates her 2A rights. Pepper spray is all she can carry. I on the other hand travel nationally, into unknown areas, PREPARED.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top